Today I'll share where I started in my therapy. It was my journal. This time it was a different type of journal but none the less, simple as that--journal!
I took a notebook around with me for a couple of days and literally wrote down every single thought that crossed my mind. It helped that I committed to my therapist that I would do this (answering to someone else always helps, doesn't it?).
When I found myself sitting in the doctors office being told that I was having severe panic attacks, I honestly had no idea where it came from. I kept thinking and saying over and over "I have no idea where this is coming from." I truly thought that all was well and could not figure out why my body was showing this reaction to such a smooth life!
Well, those that have been reading and those that know me are probably chuckling about that! So many could or can see exactly why I exploded under all that stress and pressure in my life, but at that time, I really couldn't figure it out. I was going to do anything to find out what was causing all this.
Lucky for me, I had this new little project with my notebook hooked at the hip. I was to write every feeling and every thought. I wasn't to hold anything back. Things like "gross, I wish Spencer would pick up those dirty socks," or "I've got to walk up those stairs again," maybe "my hair is so crazy." How about "Justin will be home in a second; I can't wait!"
I wrote it all, knowing I was going to be the only one that saw it. I could show it to my husband and therapist if I wanted to when it was done but it was only for my eyes.
Then, after a couple days when I had really put my best foot forward and felt like I had pages of really great feelings and thoughts, I took a red pen and wrote a few symbols next to my thoughts/feelings:
WPT= What People Think
AA= Anticipatory Anxiety
ND= Negative Driver
I could see where this was going and thought I should add one of my own:
:)= Positive Thought, My Father in Heaven would love this!
I must tell you all that I was shocked! I did not realize that the things on my mind were there. I didn't realize that I was feeding myself unpleasant thoughts that if I were to say out loud to my husband or my own mom or especially to my maker, Heavenly Father, they would all be so sad.
I was also shocked to see that I was making sooo many assumptions about things that weren't actually true. I was having thoughts that never even ended up happening. I was blowing things waaaay out of proportion. I was not being the laid back, happy person I desired to be. I was holding in desires or opinions that I had that probably needed to be shared. I was stuffing things down inside me that didn't need to be stuffed. How's that for good English?
Lets just say that I didn't have as many smiley faces on those journal pages that I would have liked. I was learning what my self talk sounded like and taking a step back to evaluate what was there. I was starting to see why my physical body was shutting down on me.
So, here's a challenge...grab some paper and whether you have some crazy health problem going on or not, start writing down all your thoughts/feelings. I'm pretty sure you'll be surprised at what you find up there in your head. You might like it or you might want to change it. Just a thought...
**Here's some neat videos "Thinking About What You're Thinking About"
