What Are You Thinking About?

I've had many people ask me what helped me the most the last couple years as I went through therapy and tried to heal.  I would like to go ahead a share one thing at a time on this blog.

Today I'll share where I started in my therapy.  It was my journal.  This time it was a different type of journal but none the less, simple as that--journal!

I took a notebook around with me for a couple of days and literally wrote down every single thought that crossed my mind.  It helped that I committed to my therapist that I would do this (answering to someone else always helps, doesn't it?).

When I found myself sitting in the doctors office being told that I was having severe panic attacks, I honestly had no idea where it came from.  I kept thinking and saying over and over "I have no idea where this is coming from."  I truly thought that all was well and could not figure out why my body was showing this reaction to such a smooth life!

Well, those that have been reading and those that know me are probably chuckling about that! So many could or can see exactly why I exploded under all that stress and pressure in my life, but at that time, I really couldn't figure it out.  I was going to do anything to find out what was causing all this.

Lucky for me, I had this new little project with my notebook hooked at the hip.  I was to write every feeling and every thought.  I wasn't to hold anything back.  Things like "gross, I wish Spencer would pick up those dirty socks," or "I've got to walk up those stairs again," maybe "my hair is so crazy." How about "Justin will be home in a second; I can't wait!"

I wrote it all, knowing I was going to be the only one that saw it.  I could show it to my husband and therapist if I wanted to when it was done but it was only for my eyes.

Then, after a couple days when I had really put my best foot forward and felt like I had pages of really great feelings and thoughts, I took a red pen and wrote a few symbols next to my thoughts/feelings:

WPT= What People Think

AA= Anticipatory Anxiety

ND= Negative Driver

I could see where this was going and thought I should add one of my own:

:)= Positive Thought, My Father in Heaven would love this!

I must tell you all that I was shocked!  I did not realize that the things on my mind were there.  I didn't realize that I was feeding myself unpleasant thoughts that if I were to say out loud to my husband or my own mom or especially to my maker, Heavenly Father, they would all be so sad.

I was also shocked to see that I was making sooo many assumptions about things that weren't actually true.  I was having thoughts that never even ended up happening.  I was blowing things waaaay out of proportion.  I was not being the laid back, happy person I desired to be. I was holding in desires or opinions that I had that probably needed to be shared.  I was stuffing things down inside me that didn't need to be stuffed.  How's that for good English?

Lets just say that I didn't have as many smiley faces on those journal pages that I would have liked.  I was learning what my self talk sounded like and taking a step back to evaluate what was there. I was starting to see why my physical body was shutting down on me.

So, here's a challenge...grab some paper and whether you have some crazy health problem going on or not, start writing down all your thoughts/feelings.  I'm pretty sure you'll be surprised at what you find up there in your head.  You might like it or you might want to change it.  Just a thought...

**Here's some neat videos "Thinking About What You're Thinking About"

A Pattern of "Highs" and "Lows"

...continued

I left that office with the red winged back chair.  I had my arms full of reading material and a new prescription but I did not have the same conviction that my doctor did.  I didn't believe that I had Bipolar...yet.

There was temple trips, lots and lots of praying and a plethora of studying going on at our house.  Through my studies I first found a wonderful psychologist (therapist) and then I began to realize the "highs" and also the "lows" in my life that were making me see that this diagnosis was real.

I mentioned in my earlier post very detailed descriptions of the "lows" I was experiencing that sent me to the doctors in the first place.  At that time I did not recognize that I had previously been experiencing many highs that made my body crash into a out right panic attack.  That panic attack sent me into that cycle of "lows."

Hmmm, I was seeing a very real pattern going on.

My "highs" looked something like this (by the way this was all at one time...not kidding):

-walking every morning at 5:00am
-baking bread constantly
-teaching preschool
-I was coming up with numerous ideas as I lay awake at night
-selling Shelf Reliance with 3+ shows a week
-caring for a Special Needs daughter that was starting to hit puberty
-taking care of a 2 year old that was starting to potty train
-throw a 9 year old boy in there that needs to be loved
-I had racing thoughts all day about everything
-supporting my husband that was back at the airlines finally after being laid off but huge pay cut, oh,   and gone 4 days at a time.
-teaching piano lessons to 12 students every week
-ward music leader
-visiting teacher (serving and caring for a couple different women)
-following a cleaning schedule every day to the T!  (my house was soooo clean)
-laundry was always done
-dishes were always done
-feeding the missionaries dinner probably weekly
-mowing the lawn
-homemade dinner was always on the table
-keeping up a personal blog
-keeping up a cooking a Shelf Reliance Preparedness Blog
-taking sales calls daily
-listening to conference calls weekly and training team members to do what I did
-reading my Sunday school lessons on time every week
-reading scriptures every day
-clothes were laid out for school every week at a time
-had creative and different school lunches for the kids everyday
-then my high continued into the summer as well...yup...did all this with the kids home!!!

Doesn't that all sound so wonderful?  It was!  I was loving it!  I was feeling "on top of the world."  I said those exact words to my doctor I'll have you know.  Then I told him how frustrated I was that all the sudden I couldn't do any of it anymore.  My chest was tight all the time.  I couldn't breathe and all of this stopped!  I didn't like it all!  My home was running like a very well oiled machine and now it's out of control.

So, when I began to put this all together and realize I really had just come out of a few months of being in a Manic or High Cycle to then a Depressive or Low Cycle that was lasting more than a month at that time I questioned my history.  I wanted to look back in my life to see if there was a pattern.

I realized in some of my reading material I was given that, my doctor had been trying to tell me that another sign of Bipolar was my "baby blues" that I had experienced after my babies were born.

Sure enough, I popped open my journals and began to remember...

Back in 2002 when my Sarah was born, it was an emotional roller coaster for sure.  We almost lost her to death multiple times and we were just trying to keep her alive on top of learning to be a first time parents.  I really truly just hung on by my finger tips.  I floated through that year on my FAITH!

Then I got pregnant with Spencer when she was 15 months old and was told He may not make it to term, and if he did, wouldn't survive more than a few hours.  He had cysts on his brain that lead to another one of those genetic disorders that we were already way too familiar with from our still very sick daughter.  Once again, I hung on by my finger tips and floated through with my FAITH!

He was born and strong as ever!  It was a miracle!  I bounced back wonderfully after his birth.  Until he hit 4 months old I was running all over the place and making amazing strides with Sarah's health and accomplishing all kinds of good.  Well, at about that 4 month period, I remember sitting there staring at Spencer wondering "what have we done?"  He would wake every 2 hours at night and scream.  I went through a depressive state that I now recognize as such from journal entries.

When Spencer was a year old, I could see that a Manic or High cycle hit me again.  I started working out at the gym every day.  We moved form one city to a neighboring one and I did it pretty much all by myself while Justin was working and studying.  I saw many of the "highs" that I mentioned above in this time.

Then we made a large move across states due to Justin being hired on at the airlines FINALLY!  It was a huge change and soooo welcome.  A couple months after our move I had a miscarriage.  Right away I think I was handling it quite well.  I bounced back to what you might call a "high" until months later when I still couldn't get pregnant and I could see a "low" or depressive state set in for a while.

The first real noticeable "low" or depressive cycle that was noticeable to others was after my Allison was born in 2009.  It was another battle through lots of pregnancy sickness followed by 3 months of complete bed rest!  Seriously!  I emotionally did really well through all of that and then just like before I bounced out of bed after that baby was born and all those "highs" from above came back.

Then just like before, when Allison hit 4 months old was that noticeable "low." That one that sent me into my Bishop for the first time.  That one that sent me into my OBGYN begging for help.  That one that made me swallow the first medication I had ever tried.  I took it until Allison was a year old and then I slowly took myself off it.

And that took me up to my "highs" in the summer of 2011.  That landed me at my Panic Attack and then to that moment that I was sitting in my bedroom searching my journals trying to remember and trying to put patterns together as I was in and out of my therapists' office with this new diagnosis of Bipolar.

I had my answer.  It came to me through study but mostly a very soft, peaceful, confirming feeling from my Heavenly Father that I could feel from my head clear down to my toes.  I had Bipolar and Anxiety Disorder.  I had a doctor and a therapist that I was clearly led to.  I had a husband that loved me "no matter what."  I had a Bishop that was leading and guiding and teaching me that I needed to fix what was broken.  I had parents and in-laws that were flying out to help me.  I had dear friends that were watching children and such.

I knew as do the psychiatrists and psychologists that my set of symptoms that were present in clusters were lasting for a certain length of time, and were "episodes" that literally had a beginning phase, a middle "worst" phase, and a recovery phase.  I knew that I needed an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer medication at the right dosage for me.  I knew I also needed help with sorting things out in my mind and tools to help me and my family.

I was learning that this was a life long journey for me.

Writing "Us" Down

This is us; my beautiful family!  Let me introduce you to the loves of my life:

My oldest daughter was born to us 11 years ago.  We struggled to keep her alive!  Many miracles have kept her with us and we have been thrown into a world of "special needs," specifically Prader-Willi Syndrome.  What a special girl!

Then there is our amazing boy of 9 years.  He came into our lives just at the right moment and brought with him happiness, peace, helping hands, love for life and the most sensitive, empathetic, eager to learn little spirit!

And then there is our soon to be 4 year old.  We may have struggled to get her here but after 3 months of bed rest we haven't stopped chasing after her!  She's spicy, sweet, energetic, happy, smiley, fast and so fun to get a hug from!

I wouldn't be me without my best friend...my husband!  I wanted and needed someone in my life that was fun, spontaneous, laid back, enthusiastic, out going, loves to travel, warm and accepting of everyone.  I found or should I say was led to him!  Over 12 years ago we were sitting in the same religious class together whispering when we shouldn't be, swapping stories across the aisle, trying to be respectful to his ex-girlfriend and speaking to our mothers about knowing each other much better someday.  Well, now I can't imagine not having this hunk of a pilot a part of every moment of every day.  Love him!

Now you know a little about us, I'll explain the purpose to this blog.  Almost nightly I lay in bed trying to rest my mind so I can fall asleep.  So many times I pretty much form an essay of what happened during the day and could put a title to it.  I could compile volumes of those unwritten essays!  I'm learning that as time ticks by, many of those memories or events are leaving me and I'm not able to recall them.  I have got to write them down!

At times when I journal, I always think of someday when I'm gone and my children or grandchildren might uncover my old journals that will be tucked away somewhere.  I have always wondered if they will see or learn or will I touch their hearts.  I'll never know but I can't help it think that if I can journal a little through this blog, maybe, just maybe someone might learn a little from my mistakes or possibly be touched by an experience our family has.  It a life of learning and I might as well share what I can, right?

So, hopefully someone out there will enjoy!