Life Goals Define My Daily Choices!

It's been a super rough, explosive morning.  Taking a look at my priorities is seeming mighty important to me right now.

Maybe a list of what/who I want to be right now???

Here it goes...

A Mother (happy and patient one)
A Wife (forgiving, happy, uplifting and supportive one)
Thoughtful Sister
Grateful Daughter
Obedient Daughter of God
Builder of God's Kingdom
True & Loyal Friend
Knowledgeable and Inspiring Piano Teacher
God's Tool as a Relief Society Teacher
Real Visiting Teacher
Descendent that's aware (learns from the past and helps the present)
Finds Joy in my posterity ever day!!!
Completely Sustains all my church leaders
Always a Missionary

Boy...that really works.  I feel much better now.  I know who I am again and what I want to be.  Each of these things are what God would want me to be or has already asked me to be.  Sooo....every place I go or thing I do today I'll fit into each one of these with my choices and it'll be a successful day.  Onward and Upward!!!

Wanting "More?!?!"

I'm delighted to report that I'm now completely off of all my medications!  I haven't skipped a beat until the monstrous flu bug took over our house this week.  I thought for sure it was going to pass over me as I kept swallowing vitamins and scurried about taking care of Justin and the kids.  Not true.  It got me last.

Spending the last few days in bed may be boring me to death but at least I have had my computer with me and have been making a slide show of our last year, setting goals, checkin' the budget...you know all that stuff!

Through this self evaluation, I rediscovered a moment I had a couple weeks ago. Some may call it an "ah ha moment."  I like to call it complete inspiration from my Heavenly Father.  He taught me that I have an inherent quality from Him to want more, to grow, to take the next step.

I was standing over my kitchen sink, hands in the soapy water and eyes out the window.  My mind was reflecting on 7 years ago when Justin and I moved to this home.  We had 3 things we were working for and wanting: a house, a third baby and a second car!  No small tasks--that's for sure!  Well, we were blessed to buy our home. After a miscarriage, years of waiting and 3 months of bed rest our Allison was born.  Six months later, we finally purchased our mini van!

I guess as I stood over those bubbly dishes, I was feeling a sort of guilty feeling because I was standing there wishing for the next house, Justin's next job...wanting more.  I was just wanting the next step up.  I was telling myself I should be so grateful that those wishes and desires had been granted me and shouldn't want more.  It was that very moment that my Heavenly Father taught me.

I had a deep feeling of "wait a minute, you're God's daughter!"  My very Divine Nature is to progress, perfect, to grow. This scripture came to mind:

"I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept,...and blessed are those you hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him who receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them that shall be taken away even that which they have." (2 Nephi 28:30)

I should want more.  I'm made to progress and create.  Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf's words came into my mind:

"The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul.  No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before." (Happiness, Your Heritage, Conf 2008)

As long as I'm following God's commandments and in Elder Robbins words "facing the Lord"and moving my mind and feet forward than God will keep giving me more in order for me to be able to progress in my talents, my education, my family, my missionary work.  My progression means I can help His Kingdom grow!  He wants us, His children, to continually improve upon those lines and precepts!

It's not bad that I want more.  It's what is that "more?"

As I'm trying to pass through this flu bug and into this new year, I realize and see much progression behind me and I'm grateful.  I have a great year of "more" to come.  I am looking forward to seeing where my Divine inherent ability to create and progress takes me.

I'm so blessed to have had a year of building more knowledge and how to take care of my mind and body.  I'm blessed to have had a year of learning what it's like to be a working mother of 3 children all at school.  I'm that much better at being a pilot's wife.  I know a little more about standing in front of a room full of women I look up to and trying to teach them.  There's a never ending list of all I've learned and I feel a pivotal moment into this next year of "more."  I admit.  Yes.  I want more.

Great way to end the year--family bike ride! No more training wheels!

Fill Your Mind with Truth...Meditate

Counter your negative thoughts with hope and truth.  Your mind believes what you tell it.

These sentences came to my mind today as I sat and worked on my yoga for the evening after I tucked my children into bed.

While I stretch and do a few yoga moves I like to run memorized lines through my head that bring me peace, hope and strength.  My favorite is memorized parts of my Patriarchal Blessing.  They are too sacred to share here but I also repeat hymns, scriptures or primary songs.  I guess this is my form of meditation.

I fell upon these meditation rituals that work for me after much learning:

When I was stuck back in the middle of panic attacks and completely taken over by my anxiety I heard myself say:
"I can't do that"
"I give up"
"it's too much"
"I can't do it anymore"
"she does it better than I could"
"I can't believe I did that"
"I don't have the strength"
"I'm too tired"
"He hates me"
"it's not perfect"
"I messed that up"
"I'll never measure up"
"I'm never gonna make it"
"I yelled again...I'll never be able to stop that"
"I have no patience"
"I didn't accomplish one thing today--not one."
"that was a crappy thing to feed my kids"
"I know I'll forget something and then it will all be ruined"

My therapist, Maria helped me to catch those thoughts and helped me to counter them with things like:
"I can do that"
"its ok if it's not perfect"
"I only have to take a little step today"
"I am so blessed"
"God trusted me with 3 beautiful children"
"I can finish tomorrow"
"I can always come back. No big deal."
"My kids are happy and healthy"
"I'm amazing"
"I see little miracles in my life every day!"
"The most amazing man in the whole world, married me and still loves me!"
"I love myself"
"My Heavenly Father made me!"
"My mom thinks I'm wonderful"
"Justin still gets the butterflies when he sees me"
"My Dad is proud of me"
"I have so many talents"
"there may be others out there that can do this but I do it the Megan way and it's pretty great."

At first I had a really hard time saying these things to myself.  It was just sorta nerdy or maybe a bit braggy.  Like those words?  I really thought that to myself whether they're real words or not.

I started to push through the "nerdiness" of it all and really started to stand in front of the mirror like I was asked and just repeat them to myself.  It took lots of practice to do it without rolling my eyes at myself and walking away.  I don't think it was in front of the mirror itself that started to make the difference but I know for sure that that practice made those statements pop in my head later in my day when overwhelmed feelings started to creep up.

For instance, I would walk in the room where Allison had wiped poop all over the wall or Sarah had pulled off another one of her toe nails and before I started to repeat my thoughts of "I am a terrible mother" or "I give up!"  I would start to think things like "My kids are happy and healthy" and "I'm so blessed I have kids" and "I am a wonderful mom. I don't have to take care of this until I'm ready."  It's absolutely amazing the power that gave me to just counter those thoughts.  I was calm.  I was able to collect myself.  Because I could control myself, I was able to turn those particular moments into loving teaching moments with my girls as well.

May each of you readers find your own rituals of countering the negative thoughts in your head with hope and truth.  Maybe give yoga a try and whip out a little meditation?!?!

Choose Light or Dark

This painting hangs in President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's office.  The painting shows a dark room with an open door.  Light shines in that door; the light doesn't light the whole room but just that space directly in front of the door.

I sat reading the talk that President Uchtdorf spoke of this painting in, just the other night, and was so touched.  Mostly because he said:

"To me, the darkness and light in this painting are a metaphor for life.  It is part of our condition as mortal beings to sometimes feel as though we are surrounded by darkness. We might....have received a troubling medical diagnosis....we might be burdened by doubts or fears; or we might feel alone or unloved."

He reminded me that even though I feel these things, God promises me hope.  Like Pres. Uchtdorf said, "He promises to illuminate the way before us and show us the way out of darkness."

If you've read my previous posts than you know this, but I know I was led and was starting to have the way for me illuminated.  That does not mean that I wasn't aware that there was darkness in my trial.  There already had been many dark days for me and would still be.  What I want to share here is that I had a CHOICE!  I had a choice to either dwell in the dark or a choice to dwell in the light.

Starting to take medication that completely altered my mood, made me feel super forgetful, extra hungry, unnatural and just plan out foggy was so hard!  I however, was choosing to have hope in the light I was being shown...my spirit was feeling that illumination and my body was just waiting to catch up.  I knew it would be anywhere form 4-6 weeks before the medication really started to help.

I had to really grasp onto that answer to my prayers that I had felt.  I couldn't forget it.  I had to remember!!!

It makes me think about when Christ asked the apostles "do ye not yet understand, neither remember the five loaves of the five thousand, and how many loaves you took up?"(Matthew 16:9)

I had been shown a miracle as I studied out my diagnosis.  I may not have watched five loaves feed five thousand but I had felt an undeniable witness that I had Bipolar and Anxiety and I was to go forward with medication and therapy to be made whole again.

Pres. Uchtdorf mentioned that "spiritual light rarely comes to those who merely sit in darkness waiting for someone to flip a switch."  He said it "takes an act of faith!"  You hear that?  It takes an "act!"  I couldn't just sit there and hope that the medication would take it's course or that my friends and husband would pull me out of this.  It took my "acting," my "choosing"; it took me moving my feet!  So "act" is what I did.

I mentioned that I found a therapist.  It was definitely a Divine Signature or a tender mercy that I met a specific therapist I don't particularly ever want to see again but she pulled a card out of her desk that said TERRAP on it.  I had never heard of that before and went home to my good old friend "google."That program was just what I needed!  Once again a path was being lit for me.

I called the number that led me to a woman named Maria.  She was also a CHOICE.  I literally had to have Justin talk to her because at that point in my sickness I could listen to an audio recording but really could not have human contact.  I knew she was good for me when she told Justin to just put me on the phone and that I didn't need to say a word.  With just my ear pressed against the receiver she told me exactly where her office was, exactly where I could park so I didn't have to go in a parking garage, she went on to describe pretty much each step I would take inside, she made sure I knew there wasn't a sign on her door to say what kind of business she was running, she made sure I knew the receptionist had no clue why I was there and described exactly how our first meeting would go.

How did she know?  How did she know I couldn't go near a parking garage, let alone get in a car?  How did she know I was struggling going to places familiar to me but it made me suffocate to even think about going somewhere new? How did she know I was really really suffering from thoughts I had about "what other people think?"

There was one answer ringing in my head as I handed that phone back to my husband.  This was the light shining in my doorway.  I was being led by my Heavenly Father.  I knew I needed to make this appointment and to just move.  It was like walking through thick goo and it was very thick and very slow moving but it just took my effort.  It took my choice to keep on moving!

I went week after week to see this Maria and she led me through page after page of this TERRAP program.  It helped me step into my own mind and first find what thoughts I had there and then change them.  It not only helped me retrain my thoughts but helped me gain my life back.  Months later I was answering the door, talking on the phone, getting on airplanes, being a happy mom, a supportive wife etc.  I started to find the Megan that I am.

I don't see Maria anymore.  I have a binder and journals to refer to as often as I want.  More important I know more than ever that God is my Heavenly Father and I am is daughter.  I know that he wants me to be happy and feel joy.  I know that He wants to bless me and He takes joy in doing so.  I know that with this knowledge that I can withstand any diagnosis, any darkness, any anxiety that comes my way.  I have come out of these last couple years stronger than I ever was before!!!  I can actually say I'm grateful for that dark room that I once sat in.  The light has never seemed so bright and so radiant to me!