This painting hangs in President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's office. The painting shows a dark room with an open door. Light shines in that door; the light doesn't light the whole room but just that space directly in front of the door.
I sat reading the talk that President Uchtdorf spoke of this painting in, just the other night, and was so touched. Mostly because he said:
"To me, the darkness and light in this painting are a metaphor for life. It is part of our condition as mortal beings to sometimes feel as though we are surrounded by darkness. We might....have received a troubling medical diagnosis....we might be burdened by doubts or fears; or we might feel alone or unloved."
He reminded me that even though I feel these things, God promises me hope. Like Pres. Uchtdorf said, "He promises to illuminate the way before us and show us the way out of darkness."
If you've read my previous posts than you know this, but I know I was led and was starting to have the way for me illuminated. That does not mean that I wasn't aware that there was darkness in my trial. There already had been many dark days for me and would still be. What I want to share here is that I had a CHOICE! I had a choice to either dwell in the dark or a choice to dwell in the light.
Starting to take medication that completely altered my mood, made me feel super forgetful, extra hungry, unnatural and just plan out foggy was so hard! I however, was choosing to have hope in the light I was being shown...my spirit was feeling that illumination and my body was just waiting to catch up. I knew it would be anywhere form 4-6 weeks before the medication really started to help.
I had to really grasp onto that answer to my prayers that I had felt. I couldn't forget it. I had to remember!!!
It makes me think about when Christ asked the apostles "do ye not yet understand, neither remember the five loaves of the five thousand, and how many loaves you took up?"(Matthew 16:9)
I had been shown a miracle as I studied out my diagnosis. I may not have watched five loaves feed five thousand but I had felt an undeniable witness that I had Bipolar and Anxiety and I was to go forward with medication and therapy to be made whole again.
Pres. Uchtdorf mentioned that "spiritual light rarely comes to those who merely sit in darkness waiting for someone to flip a switch." He said it "takes an act of faith!" You hear that? It takes an "act!" I couldn't just sit there and hope that the medication would take it's course or that my friends and husband would pull me out of this. It took my "acting," my "choosing"; it took me moving my feet! So "act" is what I did.
I mentioned that I found a therapist. It was definitely a Divine Signature or a tender mercy that I met a specific therapist I don't particularly ever want to see again but she pulled a card out of her desk that said TERRAP on it. I had never heard of that before and went home to my good old friend "google."That program was just what I needed! Once again a path was being lit for me.
I called the number that led me to a woman named Maria. She was also a CHOICE. I literally had to have Justin talk to her because at that point in my sickness I could listen to an audio recording but really could not have human contact. I knew she was good for me when she told Justin to just put me on the phone and that I didn't need to say a word. With just my ear pressed against the receiver she told me exactly where her office was, exactly where I could park so I didn't have to go in a parking garage, she went on to describe pretty much each step I would take inside, she made sure I knew there wasn't a sign on her door to say what kind of business she was running, she made sure I knew the receptionist had no clue why I was there and described exactly how our first meeting would go.
How did she know? How did she know I couldn't go near a parking garage, let alone get in a car? How did she know I was struggling going to places familiar to me but it made me suffocate to even think about going somewhere new? How did she know I was really really suffering from thoughts I had about "what other people think?"
There was one answer ringing in my head as I handed that phone back to my husband. This was the light shining in my doorway. I was being led by my Heavenly Father. I knew I needed to make this appointment and to just move. It was like walking through thick goo and it was very thick and very slow moving but it just took my effort. It took my choice to keep on moving!
I went week after week to see this Maria and she led me through page after page of this TERRAP program. It helped me step into my own mind and first find what thoughts I had there and then change them. It not only helped me retrain my thoughts but helped me gain my life back. Months later I was answering the door, talking on the phone, getting on airplanes, being a happy mom, a supportive wife etc. I started to find the Megan that I am.
I don't see Maria anymore. I have a binder and journals to refer to as often as I want. More important I know more than ever that God is my Heavenly Father and I am is daughter. I know that he wants me to be happy and feel joy. I know that He wants to bless me and He takes joy in doing so. I know that with this knowledge that I can withstand any diagnosis, any darkness, any anxiety that comes my way. I have come out of these last couple years stronger than I ever was before!!! I can actually say I'm grateful for that dark room that I once sat in. The light has never seemed so bright and so radiant to me!
