Fill Your Mind with Truth...Meditate

Counter your negative thoughts with hope and truth.  Your mind believes what you tell it.

These sentences came to my mind today as I sat and worked on my yoga for the evening after I tucked my children into bed.

While I stretch and do a few yoga moves I like to run memorized lines through my head that bring me peace, hope and strength.  My favorite is memorized parts of my Patriarchal Blessing.  They are too sacred to share here but I also repeat hymns, scriptures or primary songs.  I guess this is my form of meditation.

I fell upon these meditation rituals that work for me after much learning:

When I was stuck back in the middle of panic attacks and completely taken over by my anxiety I heard myself say:
"I can't do that"
"I give up"
"it's too much"
"I can't do it anymore"
"she does it better than I could"
"I can't believe I did that"
"I don't have the strength"
"I'm too tired"
"He hates me"
"it's not perfect"
"I messed that up"
"I'll never measure up"
"I'm never gonna make it"
"I yelled again...I'll never be able to stop that"
"I have no patience"
"I didn't accomplish one thing today--not one."
"that was a crappy thing to feed my kids"
"I know I'll forget something and then it will all be ruined"

My therapist, Maria helped me to catch those thoughts and helped me to counter them with things like:
"I can do that"
"its ok if it's not perfect"
"I only have to take a little step today"
"I am so blessed"
"God trusted me with 3 beautiful children"
"I can finish tomorrow"
"I can always come back. No big deal."
"My kids are happy and healthy"
"I'm amazing"
"I see little miracles in my life every day!"
"The most amazing man in the whole world, married me and still loves me!"
"I love myself"
"My Heavenly Father made me!"
"My mom thinks I'm wonderful"
"Justin still gets the butterflies when he sees me"
"My Dad is proud of me"
"I have so many talents"
"there may be others out there that can do this but I do it the Megan way and it's pretty great."

At first I had a really hard time saying these things to myself.  It was just sorta nerdy or maybe a bit braggy.  Like those words?  I really thought that to myself whether they're real words or not.

I started to push through the "nerdiness" of it all and really started to stand in front of the mirror like I was asked and just repeat them to myself.  It took lots of practice to do it without rolling my eyes at myself and walking away.  I don't think it was in front of the mirror itself that started to make the difference but I know for sure that that practice made those statements pop in my head later in my day when overwhelmed feelings started to creep up.

For instance, I would walk in the room where Allison had wiped poop all over the wall or Sarah had pulled off another one of her toe nails and before I started to repeat my thoughts of "I am a terrible mother" or "I give up!"  I would start to think things like "My kids are happy and healthy" and "I'm so blessed I have kids" and "I am a wonderful mom. I don't have to take care of this until I'm ready."  It's absolutely amazing the power that gave me to just counter those thoughts.  I was calm.  I was able to collect myself.  Because I could control myself, I was able to turn those particular moments into loving teaching moments with my girls as well.

May each of you readers find your own rituals of countering the negative thoughts in your head with hope and truth.  Maybe give yoga a try and whip out a little meditation?!?!

What Are You Thinking About?

I've had many people ask me what helped me the most the last couple years as I went through therapy and tried to heal.  I would like to go ahead a share one thing at a time on this blog.

Today I'll share where I started in my therapy.  It was my journal.  This time it was a different type of journal but none the less, simple as that--journal!

I took a notebook around with me for a couple of days and literally wrote down every single thought that crossed my mind.  It helped that I committed to my therapist that I would do this (answering to someone else always helps, doesn't it?).

When I found myself sitting in the doctors office being told that I was having severe panic attacks, I honestly had no idea where it came from.  I kept thinking and saying over and over "I have no idea where this is coming from."  I truly thought that all was well and could not figure out why my body was showing this reaction to such a smooth life!

Well, those that have been reading and those that know me are probably chuckling about that! So many could or can see exactly why I exploded under all that stress and pressure in my life, but at that time, I really couldn't figure it out.  I was going to do anything to find out what was causing all this.

Lucky for me, I had this new little project with my notebook hooked at the hip.  I was to write every feeling and every thought.  I wasn't to hold anything back.  Things like "gross, I wish Spencer would pick up those dirty socks," or "I've got to walk up those stairs again," maybe "my hair is so crazy." How about "Justin will be home in a second; I can't wait!"

I wrote it all, knowing I was going to be the only one that saw it.  I could show it to my husband and therapist if I wanted to when it was done but it was only for my eyes.

Then, after a couple days when I had really put my best foot forward and felt like I had pages of really great feelings and thoughts, I took a red pen and wrote a few symbols next to my thoughts/feelings:

WPT= What People Think

AA= Anticipatory Anxiety

ND= Negative Driver

I could see where this was going and thought I should add one of my own:

:)= Positive Thought, My Father in Heaven would love this!

I must tell you all that I was shocked!  I did not realize that the things on my mind were there.  I didn't realize that I was feeding myself unpleasant thoughts that if I were to say out loud to my husband or my own mom or especially to my maker, Heavenly Father, they would all be so sad.

I was also shocked to see that I was making sooo many assumptions about things that weren't actually true.  I was having thoughts that never even ended up happening.  I was blowing things waaaay out of proportion.  I was not being the laid back, happy person I desired to be. I was holding in desires or opinions that I had that probably needed to be shared.  I was stuffing things down inside me that didn't need to be stuffed.  How's that for good English?

Lets just say that I didn't have as many smiley faces on those journal pages that I would have liked.  I was learning what my self talk sounded like and taking a step back to evaluate what was there. I was starting to see why my physical body was shutting down on me.

So, here's a challenge...grab some paper and whether you have some crazy health problem going on or not, start writing down all your thoughts/feelings.  I'm pretty sure you'll be surprised at what you find up there in your head.  You might like it or you might want to change it.  Just a thought...

**Here's some neat videos "Thinking About What You're Thinking About"

Choose Light or Dark

This painting hangs in President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's office.  The painting shows a dark room with an open door.  Light shines in that door; the light doesn't light the whole room but just that space directly in front of the door.

I sat reading the talk that President Uchtdorf spoke of this painting in, just the other night, and was so touched.  Mostly because he said:

"To me, the darkness and light in this painting are a metaphor for life.  It is part of our condition as mortal beings to sometimes feel as though we are surrounded by darkness. We might....have received a troubling medical diagnosis....we might be burdened by doubts or fears; or we might feel alone or unloved."

He reminded me that even though I feel these things, God promises me hope.  Like Pres. Uchtdorf said, "He promises to illuminate the way before us and show us the way out of darkness."

If you've read my previous posts than you know this, but I know I was led and was starting to have the way for me illuminated.  That does not mean that I wasn't aware that there was darkness in my trial.  There already had been many dark days for me and would still be.  What I want to share here is that I had a CHOICE!  I had a choice to either dwell in the dark or a choice to dwell in the light.

Starting to take medication that completely altered my mood, made me feel super forgetful, extra hungry, unnatural and just plan out foggy was so hard!  I however, was choosing to have hope in the light I was being shown...my spirit was feeling that illumination and my body was just waiting to catch up.  I knew it would be anywhere form 4-6 weeks before the medication really started to help.

I had to really grasp onto that answer to my prayers that I had felt.  I couldn't forget it.  I had to remember!!!

It makes me think about when Christ asked the apostles "do ye not yet understand, neither remember the five loaves of the five thousand, and how many loaves you took up?"(Matthew 16:9)

I had been shown a miracle as I studied out my diagnosis.  I may not have watched five loaves feed five thousand but I had felt an undeniable witness that I had Bipolar and Anxiety and I was to go forward with medication and therapy to be made whole again.

Pres. Uchtdorf mentioned that "spiritual light rarely comes to those who merely sit in darkness waiting for someone to flip a switch."  He said it "takes an act of faith!"  You hear that?  It takes an "act!"  I couldn't just sit there and hope that the medication would take it's course or that my friends and husband would pull me out of this.  It took my "acting," my "choosing"; it took me moving my feet!  So "act" is what I did.

I mentioned that I found a therapist.  It was definitely a Divine Signature or a tender mercy that I met a specific therapist I don't particularly ever want to see again but she pulled a card out of her desk that said TERRAP on it.  I had never heard of that before and went home to my good old friend "google."That program was just what I needed!  Once again a path was being lit for me.

I called the number that led me to a woman named Maria.  She was also a CHOICE.  I literally had to have Justin talk to her because at that point in my sickness I could listen to an audio recording but really could not have human contact.  I knew she was good for me when she told Justin to just put me on the phone and that I didn't need to say a word.  With just my ear pressed against the receiver she told me exactly where her office was, exactly where I could park so I didn't have to go in a parking garage, she went on to describe pretty much each step I would take inside, she made sure I knew there wasn't a sign on her door to say what kind of business she was running, she made sure I knew the receptionist had no clue why I was there and described exactly how our first meeting would go.

How did she know?  How did she know I couldn't go near a parking garage, let alone get in a car?  How did she know I was struggling going to places familiar to me but it made me suffocate to even think about going somewhere new? How did she know I was really really suffering from thoughts I had about "what other people think?"

There was one answer ringing in my head as I handed that phone back to my husband.  This was the light shining in my doorway.  I was being led by my Heavenly Father.  I knew I needed to make this appointment and to just move.  It was like walking through thick goo and it was very thick and very slow moving but it just took my effort.  It took my choice to keep on moving!

I went week after week to see this Maria and she led me through page after page of this TERRAP program.  It helped me step into my own mind and first find what thoughts I had there and then change them.  It not only helped me retrain my thoughts but helped me gain my life back.  Months later I was answering the door, talking on the phone, getting on airplanes, being a happy mom, a supportive wife etc.  I started to find the Megan that I am.

I don't see Maria anymore.  I have a binder and journals to refer to as often as I want.  More important I know more than ever that God is my Heavenly Father and I am is daughter.  I know that he wants me to be happy and feel joy.  I know that He wants to bless me and He takes joy in doing so.  I know that with this knowledge that I can withstand any diagnosis, any darkness, any anxiety that comes my way.  I have come out of these last couple years stronger than I ever was before!!!  I can actually say I'm grateful for that dark room that I once sat in.  The light has never seemed so bright and so radiant to me!