So, where am I today?
Honestly, I feel like I'm Megan. I was about to say I have me back, but that wouldn't be accurate. I have added upon what I once was. I won't ever be what I was. If we're living our life like it's meant to be lived (in my perspective anyway), then we are constantly changing and growing.
First of all, I have my medications balanced-- the right dosage, the right anti depressant, the right mood stabilizer. It took me months to start to feel balance then tweaks here and there with the help of my psychiatrist took me on a road of "horrible side affects" and also times of way too much "wind in my sails!"
I've put a thumb on where my stress was coming from. Therapy sessions with my psychologists certainly helped me down this road but study and work far after has helped me with this. To name a few...I know great stress comes from caring for a child with Prader-Willi Syndrome, being a consultant for a food storage company and trying to keep a front of perfection.
I've learned techniques to avoid that stress and also to manage the stress I know will always be there. Biggest way for me to avoid it is to just say no. I always felt like I had to do everything that was asked of me or sign every signup sheet that crossed my lap. I feel completely comfortable now to just pass that baby on or say that word no. I know my limits! It is okay for me to not break myself. I have a little saying I tell myself..."just try to say yes a little more than I say no." For some reason that helps me.
I keep my appointments with my psychiatrist! I check in with my husband before I go. I'm trying to be real with others but these two things help me to be real with myself. I will be frank here, there are days lately that I'm feeling so wonderful and so "balanced" that I wonder if all this diagnosis is a hoax. I'll start thinking things like maybe I don't need this medication or maybe I was just going through a hard time and I can handle it now. It takes my husband looking me in my eyes and reminding me of my road I've been down. Sometimes I get to my psychiatrist and question as well. I've been told over and over that this is one of the scariest things with bipolar because you do get feeling really great and you do have these thoughts and feelings so you stop doing what is working for you...only to find a crash!
I connect with my Heavenly Father every single day! Eternal Perspective is paramount! We are immortal beings here on this earth having mortal experiences. I know that! I know that I'm a daughter of God and that He is the one that will make me feel loved and special the most. I know that He is the one that will guide me each day and also the one that will teach me and help me to see who I am. He is my constant! I connect through prayer, reading scriptures (especially my Book of Mormon), going to church, teaching my children scripture stories, singing hymns, going to the temple, playing hymns on the piano, sitting on the drive way and just feeling the sun from heaven, turning my Pandora channel to inspirational music, writing in a gratitude journal, researching my family history.
So, back to...."how am I?" I've never been better! I've learned a lot about myself and I feel alive and grateful like I never have before. Now, just because I feel so great is every day great? Uhhh, big fat no! I just know that I'm having real Megan sad, emotional moments. I'm having real Megan cravings for fruit or pastries. I'm having real Megan energy days instead of being some crazy super woman. I'm having real Megan mornings that I want to stay curled in my warm cozy bed for just 5 more minutes. Bottom line, I'm having real human ups and downs instead of having super Megan ups that will break me or depressed Megan downs that will drowned me.
I'm enjoying being a piano teacher. I'm reading books again. I'm experimenting with new recipes again. I'm looking forward to reading with my children before they go to bed at night. It's me doing the bulk of laundry and dishes again. I'm able to work on my relationship with the best man in the world again!!! I'm just sitting down in the middle of a busy day to just be with my kids. I'm connecting with friends and extended family. Exercise is important to me again. When I look at my children, I'm filled with love and happiness. I love what I see when I look in the mirror. My artistic abilities are inspired once more. Most important to me, I feel whole so I'm able to serve and help others now!
