I Beg for "NO Judgement!"

I plead with you to set aside all judgements.  I warn you that I have prayed long and hard about the things I write here.  As I sat a couple of weeks ago and watched Jeffery R. Holland give a talk called "Like a Broken Vessel" (it seemed like to just me), I knew it was time.  I must begin to write.

There are some challenges and trials that I have been blessed with.  I say "blessed" because I mean just that.  My challenges and trials have become prized possessions to me that make me who I am today at this very moment.  Each time I experience one of these trials/challenges I consider myself to be just a little more empathetic, a little more less judgmental or a little more able to have charitable or christlike love for others around me.

I was diagnosed with a soft form of bipolar and anxiety disorder almost exactly 2 years ago!  There!  I wrote it and I'm about to send it out to whoever reads it.  Until now, I have shared every second of this with my husband, a little less with my family, a little less than that with a select few friends and been closed about this to so many others.

I must say that when I do open my mouth and share I'm always surprised to find others going through similar things.  I've learned that it's very therapeutic to me when I'm sharing these challenges with others and very uplifting to me to feel like I'm actually helping someone else because of my own suffering and learning.

I feel like Elder Holland gave me permission to have "no more shame in acknowledging" this bipolar and anxiety as "realities of mortal life."  He said that there is no shame in speaking of "high blood pressure" or in speaking of "the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor."

I also feel like Elder Holland shouted from the roof tops for me--he said that those "discouraging moments" we all have  with the ups and downs that life just brings is not the mental problems that I am dealing with.  He put words in my mouth to help me describe these trials..."an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts (my) ability to function fully."  My "crater in the mind" as he describes it is "so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if (I) would just square (my) shoulders and think more positively!"

Just as I have found others that I look up to that go through these same battles, Elder Holland highlighted even more people that I look up to for their faith and leadership that have had depression or similar issues (including himself).  I felt normal.  I felt validated. I felt just as good as those people are when he spoke that conference day!

When he laid out the things we should do in this situation I had the realization that everything he suggested, I mean EVERTYTHING he said, I was led to do.  I testify that my Heavenly Father, your Heavenly Father too, led me gently down this same path he spoke of.  Let me just highlight what he said:

           He said to "never lose faith."  I always knew every second that My Heavenly Father loved me.    I never forgot for one second my testimony of all thats true!  

           He said to "faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord."  Even though I didn't always feel the peace I sought for, I promise you that I always read my scriptures, said my prayers, sang hymns and went to church.  Always!  I did just as he said...devotional practices that I had practiced my whole life...so glad it was a habit already.

           He said to "seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being."  I wont go completely into it but the day I was diagnosed, my husband had to leave on a flight for work.  I was left in my puddle of tears on the couch when I heard a knock on the door.  Now, I'll write about this more soon but one of the things I just could not do at this time was open a door to anyone.  It didn't matter who it was.  Somewhere I mustered the strength to open the door to my Bishop that day.  I kid you not, my Bishop was standing there, on my porch.  It was the middle of the day and the middle of the week.  He was led there.  He was sent by pure inspiration.  That gave me that opportunity I needed to "seek his counsel!"

           Elder Holland spoke of "cherishing priesthood blessings."  I did just that--sometimes from Justin, sometimes from home teachers, once or twice from my own father.  

           I loved when Elder Holland said flat out "slow down, rest up, replenish and refill."  I was able to do these things through the "advice" I sought from a "certified trainer" that in Elder Hollands words had "professional skills and good values."

I'll end tonight with one of my favorite lines from Elder Hollands talk..."If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing AND get the best medical care available."

So, this isn't all that I know I need or want to share.  It's just the beginning.  Keep visiting here as I unfold experiences and lessons learned.  I sincerely pray that as there is "no judgements" placed here that complete compassion will be felt for each other.